Wow, so it's been 6 months already?  Time sure does fly.  Below is another installment.  I actually got a Vice subscription for Christmas and now I'm sort of re-inspired. 

DO's

Hey hey baby girl.  I'll buy you a drink.  And a car.  And a house.

Back then, they were the two every guy in your high school was jizzing over.  So yeah, they're kind of chunky now, but you still want to get with them and show up all those jocks who were torturing you.  I guess old teenage, dream-on flames just never die.  Wow, they even have an AA degree!

Dressing up for parties is always tricky.  You can just put on drab, mis-matching stuff and be deliberately ironic, but that just makes you a snobby douche.  You can also just don't care at all and put whatever on, but that just makes you look like a bum.  However, she walks that tight-rope just perfectly and it's giving me a bad case of the hornies.

Whaddup Kim K.  Let me be your Reggie tonight, what do you say?  I'd make you my Matt Leinart and we'd be Bush Push-in' it all night lowwwngg.  Your place or mine.  Don't fight it, girl.

DON'Ts

Have you checked your wrinkly ball sack lately?  It might have gone to Santa Monica wearing blue swimming trunks right on the beach walking past a trash can.

She was having one of her "I'm fat" days and after she got out of the shower, she looked in the mirror and thought to herself, "Good lord, I look like a cow."  Then she goes out later that night and does this.

So I was on one of my late night celebrity pic-hunting binges and I guess this is the best paparrazzi nudie of Jessica Alba.  She blew up like, back in '99 with Dark Angel and right after Idle Hands, right?  That's about 8 years of potential nipple slippages and topless sun-bathing.  Come on now, paps.  Step your game up.

I read an interview with David Gest and he was asked about Amy Winehouse.  He said, "I would kiss the mole on Amy Winehouse's face and every tattoo on her body, and I'd stick my tongue in the gap where her tooth is missing.  I love her."  Ewwww.  I think an L.A. traffic-type gridlock of throw-up just formed in my esophagus waiting to come out.

DO's and DON'T's - June 2007

DO's

Hi pretty, pale ghost in my hallway.  Before you gruesomely kill me for murdering you back in the '90's, I just want you to know that you are my favorite black dress on black stalkings on white ballerina shoes wearer in the whole world.  Please don't kill me.

Dancing is such a communal thing, so when you hear dancefloor bombs like "Rock the Casbah" or "Into the Groove," you just gotta get up and let loose; stinky pits and all.

Wow, you were just eye-fucking her on the dancefloor and now all of a sudden she wants you to put some of your things into favorite places you like putting them.  I guess that bullshit they tell you on "The Secret DVD" really works.

Haha.  Japanese fobs are so rovery.  And so sirry.  ROR!

DON'T's

Oh Rumiko, please don't jet off with him.  In America, he can't even get girls.  He's a total sleazebag and broke.  You should really get back with Takashi.  I know, he has halitosis and he eats his boogers, but he and his mother love you.

I know, for real.  That Hot Topic at the mall, right next to Mrs. Field's cookies.  So so hot.

Ummmm, how could anyone possibly have the same exact haircut for the last 30-something years?  So does he really wake up every single morning year after year looking at himself in the mirror saying, "Damn, I look good.  I should keep this up.."?  I'm sure there are gotta be days when he feels like cutting it.  But i guess when that happens he just goes into a long pause and says to himself, "Hmmm...    Nah, you're silly."

His name is "Chad."  He's "originally from the Midwest."  He moved to southern California because of "the great weather," the "beautiful southern California women," but most of all, he just wanted to "make a big move" and "see where life takes him."  He's in Newport Beach and "works for an investment firm."  He likes to "date around" but eventually, he wants to find "the one to take home to mom."  His "favorite band is U2."  He "likes the outdoors" and "recently just took up surfing" and h-h-he    ...zzZzzZzz...

DO's and DON'Ts - May 2007

DO's

Is Sarah Silverman crushable?  I need to ask, because I don't want to get fun of for liking her - in that way.  I wonder how going out with her would be like?  She would probably hurl insult after insult on me everyday and I will not be quick enough to think of comebacks.  I'll just end up smiling the whole time to save face but I will be gushing over her comedic genius inside.

Wawaweewah!  Go ahead, don't you get voyeuristic guilt now, it's okay - she wants to show off as much as you want to look.  You can purve out on her boots and the swimsuit-in-an-indoor-setting thing, as long as you give her props for her swimsuit design and matching earrings.  Forget about the whale/barnacle relationship, this is as symbiotic as you can get.

While all the other Coachella-goers are all sweaty, dusty, and grimey wearing tanks or bikini tops with their white trash jean shorts, she goes out and rocks her spring dress all clean, pure, and perfect like she's going to pick flowers at the park.  Her farts must smell like daffodils.

Being near the stage at a concert sucks - it's too loud, too crowded, people stink and they keep pushing you.  However, whenever you can "accidentally" elbow some titties or "accidentally" rub your crotch against those hot broads that are always in front, it makes the experience a little bit less sucky.

DON'Ts

When you're ugly and gross, the only way to get girls is to just be an all-out goof and have funny hair and wear ridiculous blazers and go for some novelty lay.  It's not a bad plan, and you can't fault him for that.  However, it just sucks to see him every other time you're sober and you just feel like you have to wipe shit off your eyes.

It sucks when you're old - you look old, you smell old, and no matter how hip you try to be, you're always doomed to be corny.  You also get so fat, you don't even feel it when your wife gives you a lapdance because your massive 58-year-old gut is cock-blocking your crotch.

Secretly gay indie hipsters have to be slick when checking out guys on the dancefloor.  They have to wait till their girlfriends get into a long dance move sequence and that's when they scope out all the other secretly gay indie hipsters doing the same thing.

"Oooooh, wow honey, where did this come from?"  "I picked up Marcus from his dance the other day.  This is what the kids are doing these days.  I think they call it the dip."  "Oooooh, you still got it, Chester."

DO's and DON'T's - May 2006

DO's

When you're hot, it's hard to get sleazy guys off your back.  You have to smell your hair and do a hair mustache just to avoid all the guys that are hitting on you.

When you're a white, indie kid with a mop haircut that likes black girls, you're basically out of luck.  Most black girls are from the 'hood and they will think you're a wimp.  Not to mention that you're not their type at all.  However, she comes along and all of a sudden you're like Pepe le Pew seeing Penelope the cat.

What?  You're still working out and dieting this spring to get your summer beach bod and look good in your Speedos?  Hah, what foolishness.  All you need is a pot-belly, Adidas sandals, and that green swimsuit-y kind of thing to support your balls and you're guaranteed summer beach pussy.

Umm, what else can I say?  I guess I just have a thing for panties with dickholes in them.

DON'Ts

Umm, hello?  Can the fisting wait until you guys get home?  There are people on the dancefloor, okay?  You don't want them slipping and sliding on pussy juice and hurt themselves.

Chi-chi's Christ!  Look at those things!  You can be the biggest tit-guy in the world but damn, you have to draw the line somewhere. 

Dressing up in thrift store clothes is fun.  They're cheap and you can show off how creative and cool you are with all the outfits you can do.  However, you have to be careful.  It only looks good right before you start looking like Rosa Parks for real.

DO's and DON'T's - April 2006

The art of the cute/ugly face is hard to pull off.  The notion of being ugly to be cute is a pretty difficult concept to grasp.  You don't want to be too cute and be annoying but you also don't want to contort your face too much either and be on the ugly end of the spectrum.  However, she does it just smack dab right.  You want to pinch her cheeks but you still want to fuck her.   

I'm sure you're just like me and sick of all the pretend lesbian poses girls do in clubs and parties then post them on Myspace.  There is so much pseudo-lesbianism going on (too much) everywhere, it's refreshing to see two real, authentic ones going at it.  Indie straight-edge kids do it the best.  While they bake out non-weed cookies in the kitchen, they casually just make out on the counter.  Hmmm, I wonder who wears the strap-on (w/ band stickers on it)? 

No fuckin' shit.  Uhh, yeah, and Muslims love Americans too.  Hahaha, oh the irony, it's killing me.  What, you think only straight guys can pull off gay jokes?

Unlike my artist friends, I am not really into photography and visual art in general.  Art photos bore me and I couldn't tell if a picture is supposed to be good or bad.  However, things change quickly when you put a round mound of ass in my face.  All of a sudden, I become an art connoisseur before I even know it.

DON'Ts

So you take your date to some high-end Japanese restaurant to impress her with your sophistication and how ballin' you are but then you get white ladies as your sushi chefs?  You don't want your sushi to be rolled by them.  It's not the same.  Whatever happened to ethnic authenticity?  Where are the Mexicans?

Being drunk is dangerous.  When you're drunk, you have to be careful not to do stupid things.  You get so horny, you have to control yourself from grabing girls' asses.  You also get so belligerent, you have to control yourself from just socking the guy who accidentally stepped on your Dunks.  You also have to be aware enough to not participate in the ugly people train that goes around in the club.

It's bad enough that you're flashing us your hairy, protruding gut, but do you really have to treat us to your fucked up belly-button?  Peee-yew, that thing is gross.  So did the doctor cut your your umbilical cord too deep when you were born and had to fill it up with your foreskin?  Ewwww to the infinity.

Taking pictures with celebrites is fun and a cause for celebration, but you have to remember a few pointers.  I understand, it's hard when you get star-struck, but you have to fight the urge to do your ugly kissy face while posing for the picture.  Remember: this is going to be the picture you put on Myspace to make your friends (and stalkers) jealous.  You want everyone to think of how cool you are for meeting M.I.A., not how ugly you look when you sniff your upper lip.  ::Sigh:: moment squandered.